ponderings

Things are going wrong, grossly wrong. I feel a profound sense of dissatisfaction at myself. Is it the mosquito? (the one creating weird noises around me ) Or is it Jagjit Singh (music: kabhi kissi ko mukkamil jahan nahi milta) bothering me too much and trying to meddle with my heart? And this blog is also not being adequately updated. (read : so called co-authors) More importantly, I am pissed off. At what?

The fact is I have no clue at what to do with my life. I refrained at making this public. I avoid thinking that ,as some may say,I am much better than those in Somalia. As much as I would like to avoid it, it hits again.My position may impress some:cs engg from a descent coll.,sitting for placements this summer. I am still pissed off. I have realized that I really do not like doing things I have been forced to do off late. Courtesy engg. And what inane stuff! Things which are outright obvious. And am further pissed off by those who believe that they are actually talking such profundity that would put the rest of the world to shame. Even Feynmann didnt think he was a genius. And to point out, he was atleast doing science. Which is Truth! Small men doing big talk - as Calvin would have put it - Bah! First lesson :Be Humble . You can still think as *effectively* as you can now . Take my word for it.

Continuing further in my meanderings I am pissed of that I am still not convinced as to what life to pursue. There is no single overarching cause that I would like to dedicate my life to. Others claim that I should have opted for pure science. I admit to liking abstractions. Dont you realize ,dont you that the whole world is governed by the laws of nature , that all man made things are also governed and that there is limited free will. That however different the gentle breeze or the rushing river and the trail of smoke and the flow of toothpaste may seem, they are governed by one equation? Exactly ONE ! That most things in life, are simple.

I am still pissed off.I claim to be intrested in what I study . But I am not convinced about it myself. I am struggling to find true interest which could last beyond a few pages. Till this moment, after landing up in here, there has not been a single moment where I am exhilarated about some idea. Not a single one!

I like to work. But only if I like it. I don't like to waste life doing things that I don't want to do. I am not even enthusiastic about doing science anymore.Even that is an ordinary life. What the hell do I want from life? Perhaps it is too wrong to expect anything. Perhaps life is to be just led- no questions asked. As the wise ones remark - Take it as it comes. What a disgusting thought! Life as it comes! Death also comes; and we take it as is.