Musings..

Its been long since i blogged realy long.. 7 months into work life now.. good or Bad i dunno.. My friends would say that best.. They have born the brunt of my mood swings.. But what raelly prompted me too write was not the way my life has changed in the past 7 months but a post of a really good friend.. An extract from from "King Arthur's Socks and Other Village Plays".. talkin about the feeling which i have closely identifeid myself with at times.. Something which makes us hurting the people whom we care for most..

SHE:"I know you hate me. You have a right to. Not just because I wasfaithless - but because I was cruel. I don't want to excuse myself - butI didn't know what I was doing. I didn't realize I was hurting you.Yes. I've said that before. And you've answered me that thatexcuse might hold for the first time, but not for the second and thethird. You've convicted me of deliberate cruelty on that.And I've never had anything to say. I couldn't say anything, becausethe truth was; too preposterous. It wasn't any use telling it before.But now I want you to know the real reason...... Something I've never confessed to you. Yes. It is true that I wascruel to you - deliberately. I did want to hurt you. And do you knowwhy? I wanted to shatter that Olympian serenity of yours. You were toostrong, too self-confident. You had the air of a being that nothingcould hurt. You were like a god."

HE: "That was a long time ago. Was I ever Olympian? I had forgotten it.You succeeded very well - you shattered it in me."

SHE: "You are still Olympian. And I still hate you for it. I wish Icould make you suffer now. But I have lost my power to do that.You sit there - making phrases. Oh, I have hurt you a little; but youwill recover. You always recovered quickly. You are not human.If you were human, you would remember that we once were happy,and be a little sorry that all that is over. But you can't be sorry.You have made up your mind, and can think of nothing but that.I wonder if I can't make you understand. Do you rememberwhen we fell in love?No - it happened to me. It didn't happen to you. You made up yourmind and walked in, with the air of a god on a holiday. It was I whofell - headlong, dizzy, blind. I didn't want to love you. It was a forcetoo strong for me. It swept me into your arms. I prayed against it. Ihad to give myself to you, even though I knew you hardly cared. I hadto - for my heart was no longer in my own breast. It was in your hands,to do what you liked with. You could have thrown it in the dust...... It pleased you not to. You put it in your pocket. But don't yourealize what it is to feel that another person has absolute power overyou? No, for you have never felt that way. You have never been utterlydependent on another person for happiness. I was utterly dependent onyou. It humiliated me, angered me. I rebelled against it, but it wasno use. You see, my dear, I was in love with you. And you were free,and your heart was your own, and nobody could hurt you...... When I found it out, I could hardly believe it. It wasn'tpossible. Why, you had said a thousand times that you would not bejealous if I were in love with some one else, too. It was you who putthe idea in my head. It seemed a part of your super-humanness.... And when I first realized that it might be hurting you - thatyou were human after all - I stopped. You know I stopped.Can't you understand? I stopped because I thought you were aperson like myself, suffering like myself. It wasn't easy to stop. Ittore me to pieces. But I suffered rather than let you suffer. But whenI saw you recover your serenity in a day while the love that I hadstruck down in my heart for your sake cried out in a death agony formonths, I felt again that you were superior, inhuman - and I hated youfor it."

HE: "Did I deceive you so well as that?"

SHE: "And when the next time came, I wanted to see if it was real, thisgodlike serenity of yours. I wanted to tear off the mask. I wanted tosee you suffer as I had suffered. And that is why I was cruel to youthe second time."(She bursts into tears, and sinks to the floor, with her head on thechair, sheltered by her arms. Then she looks up.)"If you were human, you would know that there is a differencebetween one's last love and all that have gone before. There willbe no more joy or pain of love for me. You do notbelieve that. But that part of me which loves is dead. Do you think Ihave come through all this unhurt? No. I cannot hope any more, I cannot believe. There is nothing left for me. All I have left is regret forthe happiness that you and I have spoiled between us... Oh, why didyou ever teach me your Olympian philosophy? Why did you make methink that we were gods and could do whatever we chose? If we hadrealized that we were only weak human beings, we might have saved ourhappiness!... I don't care. I no longer know what the truth is. Ionly know that I am filled with remorse for what has happened. Why did it happen? Why did we let it happen? Why didn't you stop me? ... Iwant it back!"

- Floyd Dell, "Enigma. A Domestic Conversation"(from "King Arthur's Socks and Other Village Plays")

I am sorry to all who i have been rude.. mostly at times to see that you care.. Sorry ( specially to someone who has stood by me at all times ) and please if i ever do it again " Stop Me, Dont Let it happen"